EMBRACE
Picture taken the day after she came home from the hospital.
So many times in Briella’s last 12 weeks I just wanted to embrace her but I certainly didn’t want to embrace this diagnosis and this new experience God allowed in our lives. With Briella’s DIPG brain tumor diagnosis came lot of new. One of those new things was Briella not really wanting people to hug her. With the tumor being in the brainstem it seemed as if all her minor sensory issues were heighten. Hugging was just too much. She didn’t want many hugs or snuggles. This was so hard for my Mama’s heart. As I watched Briella decline and walk so many hard and unfair things it made me want to comfort her more and just wrap her in my arms. It would not have been a comfort to her, so I did not embrace her much during those 12 weeks.
I have been reflecting much on this word EMBRACE since Briella passed. Just last week I wrote this in my journal….
Some things are just hard to embrace. This word keeps coming to me as I think about grief. Today I was thinking about things that are easy to embrace and things that are not easy or things that I don’t want to embrace. I don’t want to embrace prickly things, I don’t want to embrace something that hurts…these are things that I try to stay away from. But we are told to embrace grief for that is how to deal with it. The things I want to embrace bring comfort…a soft blanket, a loved one, etc. So then how can I change my perspective on grief to not just being something that hurts but also something that brings comfort. This for me is a transforming idea. Yes, there truly is comfort in my grief. It shows me proof of a cherished relationship with my daughter. It shows that Briella mattered. It is a way to connect with her now. Well, I can’t say I’m really ready to embrace grief but today I’m taking baby steps in that direction. I think this is the start of a love-hate relationship with grief.
The definition of embrace is…
Embrace
hold closely or accept willingly
Some synonyms…hug, cling, grasp, welcome, enjoy, accept.
Some antonyms…expose, bare, surrender, resistance
God has given me a joy in surrender most times. I’m not saying it’s easy but there is joy in obeying and surrendering. I have seen God’s hand in BIG ways when I surrender. Because of seeing God work, I now have joy in surrender even when it’s difficult. I am learning to have joy in embracing things that are good but are not always easy or always comforting at the time. This I feel will be a long process, but I am so glad God continues to help me see and walk this journey of surrendering and embracing. As I surrender certain things it allows more room in my arms for embrace something new.
So today I embrace my grief as I think of my Briella. This is my way to embrace my beautiful girl.
