AMEN

While on the beach our last day in Pawley’s Island I was walking and looking for shells, especially the “Pawley Island Shell”, and I was also talking with God. It wasn’t like traditional prayers…it was a conversation with God. I was just telling God how much I don’t like what happened to Briella and to our family. I was bringing God all my questions…how could you give us Briella only to take her away 12 years later?…how is this really my life?…how does one survive after loosing a child?…why did our family have to be affected by DIPG?…what is life supposed to look like now?…how do my feelings and the truth of the Bible line up?…and so many more.

Around the same time an older gentleman on a bike came by. He was listening to Christian music. The song that was playing as he rode by was AMEN by Micah Tyler. The chorus is…

Amen

Oh, amen

God used this to get me to think about a book I read before…Start with Amen by Beth Guckenberger. In her book she shares the definition of amen…an exclamation uttered at the end of a prayer or hymn meaning “so be it”. She goes on to explain that starting our prayer/conversations with AMEN we start with trusting God even in the questions, etc, knowing he’s got this. “He knows I’m letting him have this, whatever in the moment “this” may be.” I’m saying so be it…I trust you…I don’t understand, but I surrender. It’s in your hands now.

For me it is a little like reverse lament. Starting with…God you got this, I don’t understand…I don’t like this, but I know you are good and so I continue to trust even when I can’t make sense of this. Lament is typically thought of as turning to God and bringing your questions and then asking boldly and ultimately returning to trusting him. For me reverse lament makes so much more sense. I start with the character of God and him being good and remembering all his promises and then I bring all my questions and my messy emotions and my confusion of how the two go together. And then I end with AMEN again.

My bold request lately has been to show me joy again. Biblical joy has such a different definition than worldly joy. My joy is ultimately in my salvation. It is in keeping my mind focused on eternity. I still don’t understand how joy plays out in my life in the here and now so that is what I am boldly asking God to show me. “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15

While at the beach we also wrote Briella’s name in the sand remembering her. Later in the day there were beautiful clouds in the sky. Recently I was looking through Briella’s 4th grade poem book and her shape poem about clouds stood out. Now I see cotton candy clouds so many times and think of Briella. God put cotton candy clouds in the sky on our last day there and I just had to get a picture with Briella’s name written in the sand.

EMBRACE

Waves