Firsts

 First look so much different now. Last week would have been Briella’s first day of seventh grade. It was not a day marked with celebration but a day of deep sadness. Firsts used to be mostly celebrated. Now firsts are mostly grieved.  They are firsts without Briella. It’s crazy how things change so much because of one event in time. Last week so many around Sioux Falls were celebrating the first day of school. So many pictures posted all over Facebook. The marking of time with new firsts used to bring excitement, now there are so many different emotions. Now when there is joy/excitement, there is also sadness/sorrow/grief. I never understood how two so drastically different emotions could be experienced together. I never understood grief before.

There are so many more firsts coming right around the corner for us. Labor Day weekend we will head to see my nephew play football. Last year Briella went with us. Looking back, we can actually see the very first signs of her brain tumor. Then comes her birthday in October. Just a few weeks after her birthday is diagnosis day and then all the many memories of her 12 weeks. Fall was Briella’s favorite season. This year I will try to enjoy it,but sadness/sorrow/grief will be mixed in everywhere.

In all these first I know I am not alone. God is always with me. My counselor asked me what I picture when I think of God. At this point, I think of Him protecting me and comforting me as in Psalm 91:4, “He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.” I also have met many other parents walking this journey no one wants to walk. It’s comforting to know that others understand. I also have so my friends. Thank you to so many who reached out last week and continue to reach out.

There is one first I do look forward to…my first day in heaven. I can’t help but think of Briella’s Imagine poem. “Imagine what heaven will be like with streets of gold and the tree of life, we’ll get to see all the Bible characters and ask what it was like to see, hear and truly trust God. I bet it will be beautiful and lovely. We’ll get to see our family members and live forever.” I look forward to heaven and seeing Jesus and Briella. I can’t wait to hug my girl.

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” 1 Corinthians‬

“Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.”