One Year

One year ago today, it was very evident that Briella’s time left here on earth was short. She had been declining so much. She was no longer able to do much of anything for herself. She had to be carried everywhere and she could not eat much of anything. Her pain was at an all-time high and was very hard to manage. She told us that it felt like she had 10 headaches all at once. On this day she woke up in the morning after a very tiring night of lots of pain and little sleep with a determination to play a day later that day. It wasn’t just any old game. No, she had a game in mind to create and then play. It was a Disney trivia game of sorts. In the morning we sat around the living room as she came up with questions for the game. She then decided that she wanted to take a shower. Remember that she could not do anything on her own. That meant that I needed to give my 12-year-old daughter a shower complete with a hair washing. Briella couldn’t stand on her own very well at this time, so it made taking a shower challenging. She did not want to use the stool we had for the shower. I really didn’t think I was strong enough to do this, but of course she wanted mom to help, not dad. I was mad that this was my life, and I feared the whole time that she was going to slip out of my grip. After the shower she took about a 5-minute cat nap, and she was ready to work on the game again. She knew that she could not draw the design for the cards, so she tried to design it on the computer. This was beyond her physical skill level at that time, so she requested (probably more demanded) that mom step in and make it happen. I sat down with her while I designed what she told me to. We then had to get all the questions typed out for the back side of the cards. Briella wanted to give it a try again. Again, she was not able to. And again, she asked if I would do it for her. All during this her pain was still off the charts even with medication. It was after lunch before all the questions were typed up. I insisted that she take a nap. I didn’t even make it down the hall before she called for me. She wanted to know if she could get up yet. She was losing all sense of time. She wanted me to print the cards and get them cut out and already so we could play the game that night. I don’t really think I got much time to sit down and catch my breath all day. This all with only a few hours of sleep. Briella was on me all day to get the game done. No rest for the weary. I hated this day. All I could think about was I was busy making this crazy game so we could play later that night and I wasn’t enjoying precious time with my daughter. I did get her game completed for her and we did play that night. Briella was lying on the couch with her eyes closed most of the time because of the pain but she directed us on how to play the game and she knew most all the answers to the trivia questions. She stumped most of us with them though. Briella was a fighter to the very end. This was the last game she played with us.

Briella’s last game

As I have reflected on that day, what I remembered most was how much I felt cheated of precious time with my daughter. I was mad. I would have planned the day so differently. But God is so good even in the hard. As I was looking back on that day, God opened my eyes to a new perspective. That shower that was so difficult to give Briella and where I felt the whole time she was going to slip from my grip was the last time Briella let me hold her. She was wrapped in my arms during that shower. The next day Briella was in a coma when I was holding her. I also have a new perspective on creating that Disney trivia game of sorts. I hated that game. I think I even yelled at someone when they said that I would look back and be thankful for creating that game with her. I don’t know that I’m there yet, but God helped me to see that I was the one who was able to spend one-on-one time with her that day when no one else got to. God has shown me some precious memories even in the hard. He is always so good. I miss my girl so much! I’m not really sure how I have made it through this year, but I have because God is walking with me through this valley. No one should ever have to walk this journey but if anyone ever must, walking with God is the only way to do it. I continue to meet with Him each morning as I did during Briella’s 12 weeks and many years before that. He has continued to be my strength. Grief is hard and yet we have heaven to look forward to. Briella, we look forward to seeing you someday!