Be Still and Know that I am God

Wow! God has been in Briella’s Story in some pretty amazing ways. And He’s been in my story preparing me to walk this journey. As I look back so many years ago, well before Briella was born, I remember a dream I had. It was a very vivid dream. In my dream Jim and the boys were all killed in a car accident. I remember thinking that I couldn’t go on. After waking, I pondered the dream. Could I go on after losing everything that was important to me? I remember thinking that God should be my everything, that I should be able to keep going as long as I had Him. I knew that I didn’t have that kind of relationship with my Father at that time. My prayer became…“Jesus, be my all in all, my everything!” I prayed this prayer over and over. I started seeking Jesus in a whole new way.  “Did I really know Jesus the way I thought I did?” “How do I get to know Him more?” These were the thoughts going through my mind. “Did I really believe that if I only had Jesus that that would be enough?”

I started reading the gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John wanting to know Jesus more. The person Jesus…not just the stories of Jesus. The more I read about His life, the more I trusted Him. Crazy because this should have been obvious to me as it’s true in all of life…the more we know someone, the more we trust them. As I continued to pray “Jesus be my all in all, my everything” change started happening. Slow change, but change. When I had my miscarriages in 2005, the 2nd one at 13 weeks in utero took me under. But I found that I landed on the Rock, my Jesus. He was my all in all. Hard things happen but He is always there holding me. I continued to pursue Jesus every day.

Then just a few years ago my mom had to have open heart surgery and after surgery she had complications and possibly had a stroke. During those moments when we didn’t know what was going on I remember telling God that He couldn’t take my mom because I couldn’t make it without her. Him gently reminded me that He was enough. He was my all and all and even if it was hard. I could make it because I had Him. My mom made it through those though days and recovered from her surgery. I continued to pray, “Jesus be my all in all, my everything. Be enough for me.” And He continued to work.

The fall before Briella was diagnosed was really difficult. Briella’s anxiety was very high and I didn’t know how we were going to make it. I didn’t know the way forward because this was no way to live. God had to have better for Briella and us. At that time God didn’t even feel good to me. Oh, I knew God was good, but it sure didn’t feel that way. I had a friend who was also walking hard and she encouraged me to preach truth to myself. I started claiming truths of the Bible and clinging to them. I started to see the goodness of God even in the hard. This was all before Briella was diagnosed. God’s perfect timing. He was working in my life for so many years, so that when incredibly hard happened I would still see the goodness of God. He was truly my EVERTHING, MY ALL IN ALL.

Many have told me that they don’t know how I walked those 12 weeks and all these weeks without Briella here. Well, I learned that Jesus is my all in all. That even when life is hard, God is still good. He is my Rock; the only one I need, the One I cling to. So that is what I did all those weeks. I clung to my God. I kept doing the things that I had been doing. I sought Him every morning…for strength…for wisdom…for peace…for everything. I read my Bible and preached truth to myself. My spiritual muscle memory was kicking in when things got hard. The beautiful part was the trust and peace I had all during the hard. I saw that God truly was good. I saw His hand in so many little and big things. God has been writing my story for ever so long. I love the saying, “God is still writing your story, quit trying to steal the pen. Trust the author.”~unknown.

Trust…that brings me back to my verse, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations.” Psalm 46:10. God impressed this verse on me when I as at a conference surrounded by many  attendees. Stillness wasn’t really what most experienced there, but I did. God continued to call me away to sit with Him in all the busyness around me. Over the next years God used this verse in some pretty amazing ways. I had to learn to be still, to cease striving. I needed to just be with God…not to always be planning the next thing or what the future would look like. I needed to let Him be God and stop trying to help Him do His job. All of this stillness and resting in Him has prepared me for now. The future is not what I ever dreamed it would be. I don’t know what I will be doing the next minute, day, month, or year; but I’m trusting the one who holds the pen. Do I always like it? Absolutely NOT. But I’m trusting and waiting, because He is God and He is good. I will continue to exalt and lift Him high! To God be the glory!