9 MONTHS
I remember desiring a little girl so much. So much that I didn’t even really trust God to make it happen. I tried to do everything possible to have a little girl. Really, I had an idol in my life…I was my idol. I was trying to be God. God worked mightily in my life showing me this after having two miscarriages. One of the miscarriages was at 13 weeks prenatal. I had heard this little one’s heart a few weeks before I miscarried. This miscarriage took me down. But God, He met me in my grief. He showed me how He could be my everything. I began to pray that God would help me to enjoy, truly enjoy the gifts of the 3 wonderful boys He had given me. It was an amazing journey with God. I truly surrendered to Him during this time. I became so happy and content with the 3 boys God gave us. Life was good, ever so good. We did not want any more children. Our quiver was full. We were dreaming of what life would look like as the boys grew up. Then one day I suspected I was pregnant. The day we left for Iowa for my grandfather’s funeral I couldn’t wait any longer and I took a pregnancy test. I was a little fearful of what it would tell us, but I just had to know. Remember, we were content and happy with life. That pregnancy test rocked our world. I didn’t want to be pregnant. God had made me so content with what I had. There was no joy that day, so we decided not to tell anyone just yet but continue to take this to God and ask Him to change our desires yet again.
As those 9 months progressed, there was joy. We were excited. Well maybe not everyone. The boys thought we were ruining their lives. We choose to find out the sex of our baby. It was a girl. You see the boys didn’t think they knew what to do with a sister so of course that would ruin their lives. Little did they know. For 9 months Briella was being formed in my womb. Psalm 139:13 tells us, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.” God had a plan right from the very beginning. I still cannot wrap my brain around His plan only being 12 years for Briella. Briella Grace Welch was truly a gift from God, just as each of our 3 boys are.
Family vacation summer 2012
Today as I contemplate the last 9 months without Briella, I’m wishing that they were more like the 9 months of her being formed in my womb. How our first feeling of being unsure of wanting another child, of there being no joy, changing to being excited to meet this little gift from God. Grief is constant. Yes, there are happy moments and some great new memories, but each is marked with some sadness as a little girl, maybe I should say a young lady, should be here. I wonder what she would be doing with her friends, what new gymnastics skills she would be learning, what new art she would be creating, what gifts she would already be planning for Christmas for everyone, what joy and humor she would be adding to everyday, what crazy things she would be planning, would she be getting out of bed in the morning easier, would she have enjoyed the snow last weekend, and so much more. Pregnancy can be hard but there is great reward at the end. Grief is hard and it seems like there will never be an end. And yet I have hope…God tells us “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4. Heaven changes everything. Heaven, eternity with God and those who have died before us, will be amazing! So as God did after my miscarriages, I’m asking Him to being my everything and to meet me in this valley that I don’t want to be in. As long as God is with me, I will make it. Scripture promises us, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrew 13:5. Along with Briella, I choose to remember that “God keeps His promises”.
Briella’s art
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13