15 Months Ago

15 months ago, we said goodbye. Goodbye and see you soon. Heaven can’t come soon enough. Life is gray without Briella. Very little color. Briella colored our world. It’s kind of like her saying she put on her wall. “EARTH without ART is just EH.” It’s just blah. Interesting because we go gray in May for brain cancer awareness. Gray is what you want when an MRI is done. Gray matter is a major component of the central nervous system in the brain, which is part of why the ribbon color for the month of May is gray.

My last memories are with Briella being 12 years old. And now 15 months have passed. So much would have happened since then. Briella would almost be finishing 7th grade. She would have finished 2 more seasons of gymnastics. I wonder how many medals would be hanging in her room if she was still here and DIPG was not a part of our life. I also wonder which awards her coaches would have given her at the end of the season awards banquet.

Briella loved being short. She would often say, “I’m not short, I’m a gymnast.” And now I’m wondering how much she would have grown. Would she have had a major growth spurt. Briella still had that little girl look about her when she passed, but would she now look like a young lady like so many of her friends. Everyone is growing up and I so want to know what Briella would look like today.

Briella has missed so much…she missed her brother’s engagement. Although she wasn’t too sure about another girl taking her place in her brother’s life. She will miss being in her bother’s wedding. She was so beautiful at Cody and Hope’s wedding. What will she look like at Jaden and Rianna’s wedding? A family picture will be taken without her.

Family picture at Hope and Cody’s wedding. Jan 7, 2022

2 days ago another DIPG patient lost her battle. I feel the family’s heaviness. I remember what those first days felt like. Then yesterday was Bereaved Mother’s Day and now today is Monday, May 6th. Fifteen months without our girl and a month where the 6th falls on a Monday just like the day Briella ran ahead to heaven. Too much heaviness. At times I want the heaviness to go away and just as I wish that, I take the wish back. Heaviness is a reminder of what I lost and what others have lost. God be with me. Help me to keep walking, to keep breathing and shining your light.—just like Briella. Casting my cares on you [God], because you care for me. (Briella’s favorite verse 1 Peter 5:7)

Today I had tea out at the cemetery. I was reminded of the tea parties Briella and I used to have. Tea has always been a comfort to me. The saying, “Tea is like a hug in a mug” is true for me. I wonder if that is why Briella loved tea parties…because they brought comfort. I think it might be because it was a special way to spend time together and make memories. I’m so thankful for the many memories I have with Briella and yet it is sad because I can’t add to the memories any more. I think I will make Briella’s favorite tea later today…sugar cookie tea with a little almond milk and I will take time to cherish the many memories I do have. I will choose to be thankful that we have 12 years of memories. The family that lost the daughter to DIPG a few days ago did not have 12 years. They only had 4 years. 12 years is not enough, and 4 years is not enough. I have I come to realize 50 years is not enough after being in a grief group with a couple that lost their daughter that was close to my age. We always want more time. I am so thankful I will have Briella for eternity someday. This is where my hope and future is…in heaven with Jesus.

Adventure

Healing